The count of two
by pamy
Summary: And he knows it doesn't matter. He can count to two a thousand times if he wants to. He can count to two for the rest of his life. In the end she'll still be gone. Sarah/Clay oneshot. Please review.


**I simply loved this couple. This story differs a bit from the show canon though. I know that Quinn and CLay get together. But I didn't include that in this story. It's not that I don't like them. I really don't care either way. They're really not bad together. It just didn't fit in with this story. Hope you like it thouth. Please review. **

* * *

He hears her laughing.

And he thinks – _no he knows - _he has gone crazy. Because she's gone. And she can't come back. And the dead, the dead don't laugh. They're just gone. Cold and buried. No returning. No turning around. But he swears he hears her laughing. In the distance. And he turns around to look for her.

But of course she's never there.

And his boss thinks he has gone crazy. When suddenly he turns and looks and finds nothing. And then stares ahead with a blank look. Staring into the distance. And he can't argue with him because sometimes he thinks he has gone crazy as well. But he hears her. He does. Maybe it's just his imagination. Maybe it's his mind playing tricks on him.

Whatever it is he doesn't care. He hears her laughing.

And it gives him strength.

* * *

He doesn't tell Nathan.

Because he doesn't want to know. Because he doesn't want to say it. He's never said it. He's never said _'I was married to the most beautiful and wonderful person ever. But she died and now I'm all alone.' _He's never said it. Because saying it would make it real. And he knows it's crazy and irrational and stupid. But he can't make it real.

Even though he knows it's real.

Because she isn't there. There's no laughter. And no more funny moments nor jumping of bridges. And he whishes he could go back to that. But of course he can't. But he can't say it out loud. Because if he makes it real he'll have to let go. He'll have to let go. But he can't let go. He can't let go because he's sure he can't live without her. So he doesn't tell Nathan. Nor Hayley.

Sometimes he wishes he had.

* * *

Sometimes he swears he sees her.

It's a distant memory. A fleeting second. In which he turns around and sees blond hair and that beautiful dress and her smile. And he swears he hears their song in the background. And he sees her. She's there. Suddenly. He knows he's gone crazy the first time he sees her. After all she can't be there. It's his mind playing tricks on him.

Still he can't help but reach out to her.

She's gone before he can touch her. Disappears. Like she never stood there at all. And he knows she didn't. he knows this. He knows she's gone. Dead and cold and buried six feet under. But he can't let her go. He sees her. Maybe he really has gone crazy. Maybe he just misses her so much there's nothing else he can do. Or maybe, just maybe it's something else.

Maybe Sarah is really there. To make sure he's alright.

He doesn't know what would be the worse.

* * *

And then suddenly she is there.

And the second she is sitting beside him at that bar he knows he has finally lost it. After all thinking he sees her for a second. And suddenly seeing her and talking to her and having her talk back is something else entirely. And he knows this is wrong. And crazy. And he's sure people stare at him as if he has lost it. After all whether she's real or a figment of his imagination it doesn't matter.

They don't see her.

So it must be as if he's talking to air. And he finds he doesn't care. Because for the first time since she dies she looks at him. And she smiles and she talks. And she listens. And what does it matter whether or not she's really there. And if he's gone crazy he'll accept it. He'll be able to live with it.

As long as Sarah is with him. One way or the other.

* * *

And she's everywhere.

She's there at night when he should go to sleep. But he's afraid. He's afraid that if he closes his eyes she'll disappear. So he doesn't go to sleep. He sits there staring at her sleeping form for hours. And he knows it's crazy and he should probably go talk to a shrink or something. But he sees her lying there and he swears she's there.

He's afraid to lie next to her. Afraid she'll be gone.

He knows she's gone. He knows it's not real. A dream. Or a ghost. Or just his imagination. But it doesn't matter. Because it feels like she's there. Eventually he does lie down and fall asleep. He dreams of dances and bridges and music. He wakes up smiling. His smile only broadens when he realizes she's still there. Something in the back of his mind tells him that if she's a figment of his imagination she'll be there for as long as he wants.

He doesn't care if he's crazy. As long as he's not alone anymore.

* * *

He pretends.

He pretends she's really there. Alive and breathing and laughing and talking. And just there. With him. By his side. She's there. She's real. He forgets. He forgets what happened to his wedding ring. He forgets she can't possibly be there because she is dead. He forgets that he saw her going down into the ground. He forgets she can't possibly stay with him.

She sank down on the ground after all.

The illusion shatters. The music plays and the illusion shatters. The hardest memory, the one he wants so desperately to forget, finds his way into his mind. She's gone. Dead. He turns around and looks her in the eye. And she says something about moving on. And loving again. But he knows he can't. He can't because he can still see her.

And as long as he'll see her he can't let go. But as long as he doesn't let go she'll be there.

It's a circle. He can't figure out where it begins.

* * *

It's not healthy.

He knows it's not. She's dead. He should be trying to live. Not spend his day with a ghost. Or a memory. Or a figment of his imagination. Doesn't matter. He should be out there. With the guys. Or he should be working. Anything at all. Anything but floating in a pool. Talking to a girl he knows isn't really there. But he can't seem to stop.

Can't let go. No matter how much he would want to.

She's there. Talking. And laughing. And giving him advice. But he can't touch her. He can't hold her. Can't kiss her. It's not real. It's like a mirror image. Perfect in every way. But untouchable. There's a line in between them. And he can't cross it. Can't go over to her side. And she can't come over to his. There's only talking. And laughter.

It's empty. Hollow. He takes it anyway.

* * *

Then she's gone.

As quickly as she appeared she disappears. Gone. And he knows. He knows she won't return. And he tells Quinn because he has to tell someone. Because if he doesn't there will come a day when he finds himself surrounded by people that don't know her. And Sarah deserved to be remembered. And he tells her. She looks at him with pity in her eyes. If he had never known Sarah he might have been able to fall in love with her.

He doesn't tell Nathan. Doesn't tell Hayley.

He loses his concentration. He can't work. Doesn't want to. Gets distracted. He wants to give Nathan the best he can. And he ignores the fact that he can't work properly. That he knows, deep down inside, it will go wrong. It's as if he's lost her all over again. As if he's just watched her sinking down to the ground. And she's gone. And he can't function.

She's gone. And he can't even move.

* * *

He gets it back.

He works hard. Drives trough the country. Watches as Quinn does that cheerleading routine. And he manages it. He gets Nathan his dream back. He gives him back what he lost. And he watches as Nathan and Hayley hug. And Nathan holds Jamie tight. And they laugh. And they are happy. And all he feels is jealousy.

He wants to be able to hold Sarah. He wants that.

But he doesn't tell them. Doesn't say a word. He just looks at them. And Jamie rushes to his side. And thanks him. And he calls him uncle Clay. And He smiles. For Jamie. But it doesn't reach his eyes. Because it's not right. Sarah should be here. Jamie should be calling her aunt. But she's not. She's not and he can't understand why. Nothing makes sense anymore.

'_Life is not fair Clay.' _She said. She's never been more right.

It really isn't.

* * *

_On the count of two. _

As if that will make it easier. It didn't. he used it when they jumped of that bridge. Then it had still seemed relatively easy. And as they married. They used it for everything. On the count of two. And they got married. On the count of two. He'd have his dream job. On the count of two they'd be happy.

_Till death do us part. _

They said. But nobody had told them that death would come so soon. That she would leave him behind in this cold and cruel world. Sometimes he's angry at her. Because how dare she leave him here behind? How dare she go on without him?

_On the count of two. _

He gets Nathan his job back. He gets his own job back. He wishes he could love Quinn but he can't. He watches that happy family. He gets his friends back. But it doesn't help him. Doesn't make it better. Because he would give it all. Sacrifice it all to get her back. Any form of her. Alive or as a ghost. He whishes he was really crazy. At leas then she'd still be with him.

_On the count of two. _

It's not helpful. It doesn't do anything for him. Doesn't make anything easier. Because no matter how many times he closes his eyes it won't change a thing. Things will stay the way they are.

_Till death do us part. _

* * *

And he knows.

He can close his eyes. He can count to two a thousand or a million times. He can count to two for the rest of his life. When he opens his eyes things will still be the same.

It won't matter how many times he counts to two.

She'll still be gone.


End file.
